You are not me. You are not who I want to be. We've known each other since I was 6 and at the time you seemed to be the only constant thing in my life. But, it's time for you to go. You are not just anxiety or depression, you are more than that. You are being awake at 3 A.M. crying for no reason. You are the panic attacks I get just by walking into school. You are the constant worry that nobody will like me or not think I'm good enough. You are the reason I fail my classes. The reason I sleep all day. The reason I stay to myself. I used to be such a social butterfly but then you came around. I used to think I was good enough.
Now I know, this is not all your fault, and a lot of it came from my dad, but you chose to get worse every time I've tried to get rid of you. You act up when I see certain people or see certain things. You sometimes make it unbearable to focus or even get little tasks done. You get triggered by sounds or lights. You've basically taken over my life. I want it back. I want my life back.
You've had a good 11 years with me but now it's time to go. I'm 17 and I don't even see myself finishing school from you blocking that memory. Making plans not to walk on my graduation day. But guess what, I am. I am going to finish school. I am going to walk on that stage and get my diploma. I'm not walking for my family or my friends, but for me. I'm walking for it to be a big "F*** You" to my mental illness. I'm walking to show you wrong. To show you that even though you tried to keep me back, you failed.
You will not control my life anymore. I want to live my life. I want have a family. I want to be happy. I don't want you to follow me into my new life. I want you to live my future kids alone. I don't want them to go through the pain I went through. Nobody deserves to live with you. You break down all emotions and make everyone feel awful. You make people feel alone when they aren't.
Depression, you make people never want to leave bed. You make people not care about anything at all. You make people feel low. You make them feel alone. And you, Anxiety, you're the opposite. You make people care about everything. Every single little detail. If something or someone is just a tiny bit off, you make people think it's their fault. Living with one or the other is awful, but living with both of you is a living Hell. A hell you can't escape no matter how hard you try. It's like a constant battle of whether you should actually stress about things or not. When you're laying in bed wanting to die but then worry about how if you die it would hurt certain people, so you just live in pain. Not wanting to go but then stress and freak out if you're late.
This is a letter to you, my mental illness. To not only tell you to leave me alone, but to let others know they aren't alone. I've lost friends and family over you, and I'll be dammed if I lose more. You are not going to control my life, let alone someone else's. Day by day I will become more and more victorious over you. And one day you'll be fully gone. So good-bye my mental illness.
Yours Truly,
Someone who is tired of your shit
